What am I Carrying?
Waking up today
Today was hard. There's no particular reason for that. I have depression, and that comes up from time to time. Sometimes I wake up, and can't. Today was one of those days. Days like this, I struggle to pinpoint why I feel a certain way. So I turn to my tools. As of this writing it's not published, but I'm working on my Depression Protocol. A series of things that I can do to help myself when I'm feeling down.
One of those tools, is Zen. Shortened from "Za Zen", meaning "to sit", Zen is a branch of Buddhism. I've never been one for organized religion. Christianity sounds nice, but in practice, it's never been appealing. In my spiritual journey, primarily thanks to my Dad, Buddhism came up. Specifically, Zen Buddhism. Now, I'm far from an expert, and take an "ala carte" approach to religion and various world philosophies. Using lessons and stories from a variety of sources, I've taken a variety of items I like, and left the others behind. In the Zen tradition stories, called "koans", are used to stimulate thought experiments. You listen/read a koan, and then reflect on it.
Zen Flesh, Zen Bones is a collection of Zen texts, containing koans. There is a handful of these that I often think of. They help focus my mind, and drive decisions on how to handle things.
Today, I'm thinking of the story of "Muddy Road".
Muddy Road
Two monks, Tanzan and Ekido, were traveling together down a muddy road after a rainstorm. Coming around a bend, they encountered a lovely woman in a silk kimono, unable to cross the flooded intersection without ruining her clothes.
Without hesitation, Tanzan picked her up, carried her across the mud, and set her down on the other side. The two monks continued walking. Ekido said nothing, but for hours, he stewed in silence.
That evening, when they reached a lodging temple, Ekido could no longer contain himself. "We monks don't go near females," he said, "especially not young and lovely ones. It is dangerous. Why did you do that?"
Tanzan replied simply: "I put that woman down hours ago. Are you still carrying her?"
What am I carrying?
Learning from the story, what am I carrying that I should have set down a while ago? Now, there might be an answer. But I won't share it here. This is an example of how I process through my thoughts. I woke up feeling in a funk. Now I'm making the time to think about it. Is it parenting related? Something from work nagging? Or maybe it's nothing. Thinking that I'm carrying something and it's not actually there is a very real possibility. Regardless, it's time to breathe and reflect. To figure out what I'm carrying. And maybe, finally, set set it down.